He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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