no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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