Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
