You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
