he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize