Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
