Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
