I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think I sprained my soul last night
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
