so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
