Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
