Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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