You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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