I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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