i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
