So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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