Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
