did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
there was a trapeze. enough said
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
