This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
