Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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