i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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