Umm I'm too high to move.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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