I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
