Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
