I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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