you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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