would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We need to rekindle our bromance
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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