my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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