Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My vagina just recognized that song.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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