found the other keg... it's in the tree
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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