Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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