I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
