You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
