Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
