Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
