Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
