His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
