I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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