I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
