i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
