I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
