Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize