I just threw up on my dentist
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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