we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
