it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
