Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
