$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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