I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
