Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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