I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We're too hungover to prance.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
