just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
even my farts smell like vagina
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
