wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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