did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
