Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
