i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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