It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
