I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We are all done wearing pants today
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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