When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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