I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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