I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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