I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
