well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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