was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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