You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
